The Attachment Secret: Are You a Secure, Avoidant, or Anxious Partner? [Archive.org URL]

There are three major styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. […] A person’s attachment style is largely influenced by whether or not they bonded successfully with their primary caregivers – parents or otherwise – in childhood, though more recent research suggests that genes, and our romantic history as adults, may also be influential factors. Analysis of studies in North America and Europe found that roughly 25% of the population are avoidant, and 20% are anxious.

Anxiously attached people tend to be overly preoccupied with their partners and whether they love them back, while avoidants equate intimacy with a loss of independence and deploy distancing strategies.

You are not necessarily stuck with your style: according to a four-year study, one in four people do change over time – often as a result of a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style.

“Secures” are comfortable giving and receiving love, and gravitate towards partners with the capacity to make them happy. As such, they can happily partner with anxious and avoidant types, and even have a steadying effect on them. […] The challenge for those looking for love is that, even though secures make up 55% the population, relatively few are single – they are just too good at being in a relationship.

Anxious and avoidant types are drawn to each other, despite their incompatible styles: as the person seeking closeness works harder to get it, their avoidant partner pulls away, thus reaffirming their separate beliefs that relationships are unfulfilling or restrictive.